The challenges of practicing at home

Ugh.

Let me set the scene. It's Friday morning. I've been writing for the man most every day for the past two weeks. I've also been doing yoga every day for the past two weeks (plus three days). Honestly, my life has never felt so routine and predictable. Good thing? Bad thing? Routines give me balance, and also can be quite conducive to better productivity. And, yes, I HAVE been on schedule with my writing. I have kept my place moderately clean. I have cooked meals and prepared lunch and even met my personal goal to ride the bus to the office at least once a week, and to go to the gym once a week. So I ask myself:

1. Is a regular yoga practice causing this regularity in the rest of my life? AND
2. How can an ADHD mind like mine tolerate the lack of drama?

Answers: Maybe, and I have NO IDEA.

For the last several years, my days have varied immensely from one to the next. In work, in mood, in energy, in sleep, in food, in everything. On one hand, that kind of variation is very exciting, stimulating to a brain that craves stimulation. It can provoke great creativity and lots of ideas. On the other hand, that kind of daily variation doesn't allow much room for actual growth and progress. I sort of forgot how to complete projects, how to follow through. So for all the exciting ideas and plans I'd make, most of them barely got off the ground. I'd abandon them as my life shifted and my interest with it. Ultimately, I felt like a failure and like I wasn't living up to my potential. While I think "Failure" is a harsh word now, I do think the latter was true.

Then, after perhaps the most varied, nutty six to eight months of my life, things began to settle down. I began to settle into things. Not that I love everything that I've settled into. I don't really enjoy writing for the man, but it does work for me right now. I would like to settle into my fiction writing instead, but that is another story. Right now, I'm just proud that I've settled into any routine at all, and that I'm not too itchy to ditch it.

The very first brick I laid in my more settled routine was yoga. Even when my life was whipping around everywhere like a cyclone, I went to yoga class on Tuesday mornings. Then I added Friday mornings. Then I swapped Tuesdays with Wednesdays. And then I changed Fridays to Mondays at a different studio. Okay, so this doesn't look very consistent and steady, but the point is: I've been committed to attending a regular yoga class most every week for about three years, and I've gone to Om Town on Wednesday mornings for Wendy's class for a full year.

A weekly yoga class only gives structure to ~90 minutes of the 10,080 minutes in a week. That's almost nothing. But what important 90 minutes they are! In the depths of an ugly depression or uncertain time, those 90 minutes gave me focus outside of the sad and the scary emotions that were dominating my life. I focused on my breath, on balance, on my muscle energy, and on the minute muscles and bones in my body--how to move each one into better alignment. I focused on not throwing up after holding my arms up in chair position for an eternity (or maybe just 90 seconds...).

Proper alignment takes a lot of focus, frequent check-ins, and minor adjustments. My therapist recently asked me if I had a lot of creative ideas while practicing yoga. The answer is absolutely not. Maybe if I let my mind wander in Savasana, a notion will come to me. But generally, my mind is so focused on my practice that there is no room for creative lightening bolts to strike. There is also no room for moodiness, and I note stress in my body, not my brain. When I think how therapeutic therapy is for me, I wonder why I wig out about dropping money on yoga classes but not on my therapist, who is great, but maybe not as essential to my well being as my yoga practice. Hmmmm....

I do think that by settling into a yoga routine, I laid the foundation to settle into the rest of my life with more ease. I think it's increased my patience, so that I can endure longer with dull work days that resemble one another an awful lot these days. Not that I'm complacent, but that I'm more or less content with things at this moment and I can sit still to ride it out. This is HUGE!

Now, in committing to 360 straight days of yoga, I'm biting off a lot. Some caring individuals, who know me pretty dang well and have seen my sudden starts and stops over the years, have expressed a little concern that I'm setting myself up to fail and that I'll be crushed if I do fail. That maybe I should give myself a break here and there. I really do understand where these concerns come from. I'm not offended or upset that these important people have reacted this way. I have these concerns too, trust me. But if I don't commit all the way, if I'm not absolute and firm in this goal, I WILL fail.

So on to my second question, how can an ADHD mind like mine tolerate the lack of drama? Or, put in the context of daily yoga practice, how can an ADHD mind like mine maintain enthusiasm for yoga practice day in and day out, especially when I'm practicing at home? This IS hard. When I'm trying to execute a pose sequence of my own design, at home, alone, lasting at least 30 minutes--well, I don't hold poses for that long. I get bored and want to get to the next sun salutation. I grow antsy in Savasana and I want to jump up and get in the shower. In my 360 of yoga, I need to mix it up with classes at yoga studios, at gyms, with podcasts, with yoga CDs, with yoga books, websites, etc. The other day, I bought the Yoga Deck so I could pull out cards to create a yoga sequence and then lay them out in front of my mat on the floor. I've got to stay flexible in my mind to succeed at this year of yoga.

The truth is that this is a great opportunity to try new yoga studios, teachers, positions, books, resources. If I look at it this way, it feels varied even in the routine, and my brain stays stimulated. I'm going to try to go to a new yoga studio/venue or try a new yoga teacher every week or two for the first few months of this project. And I need to keep invigorating my home practice, because one of my main intentions in this project IS to develop a good home yoga practice! I welcome any ideas about how to keep yoga fun and engaging at home. And I'd love to go with anyone to their yoga studio for a class!

By the way, tomorrow, Saturday, January 23 is:
a.) My half birthday. In my view, the age of 33 and a half is the official marker of being in one's "mid-thirties."
b.)Yoga Day USA. There will be free yoga events all over the place, and I will definitely be going to one of them! More about Yoga Day USA here.

And now, I'm going to get out of this chair and head to the office. And get some very not yogi-like coffee. Wah ha ha ha!

Utkatasana
Please make it stop. I can't hold my arm bones up this way any longer.